Game Review (in progress) - Real Life

This is a work in progress, I have the dreaded writers block.

Release Date: Unknown
Price: Unknown, but very expensive.
Age Rating: All (0+)
Developer: Unknown.
Programmers: Unknown, however some people use the name God, and others use names such as Allah, and Zeus.

Graphics - 10/10
Sound - 10/10
Game play - 2/10
Story - 1/10

Background: This is a massive MMORPG style game that has literally taken over the world. I have been playing for years and I seem to be addicted as I just can't stop. You play as one character, and interact with literately everyone and everything, it's a very slow paced game, with many rules but few limits, most things are possible, but equally one mistake can block most storylines.

Character selection: This is a failure, it's a major flaw of the game as you're dependant on another player or two, bringing you into the world and you don't get to choose when or where. You're assigned a random race, based on the players who made you, and you come into the world at a random time, in a random place. All your attributes and personality are pre-decided as is your appearance. Changing your character appearance and attributes is hard later one, appearance can be changed slightly. Personality is shaped at birth and moulded by other players, attributes are similar however some are capped.

Now dying here can be quite easy, this is when you're in what's called the infant class which I will fully explain later. You are fragile and stupid, however there are perks as this woman who cares for you may show your her breasts frequently when you cry, she will also almost obsivelly get you naked. You' can't do anything for yourself, but you grow into a small child and gradually become independent. Sometimes there is a man who either helps, or solely cares for you, this is called 'dad' the woman one is called 'mum' they teach you everything for the first four years. Toilet skills, talking, walking, simple tasks really but you're born to stupid to know this. Again a major flaw.

School

The story is long, and due to the lack of interface is it easy to miss vast chunks, and when you are born it is down to mum and/or dad to explain the back story to you, however they may choose not to. This is where school starts to come in, but this also depends on region and can depend on gender in certain areas, and the things they teach vary widely in other countries. The rest of your life will depend on this section which really seems to drag on, you enter in the child class and leave when you are in the teenage class.

Currency

The currency system is highly flawed, there are many currencies depending on your region, and in one area called Europe they tired a single currency and it didn't work either. Money isn't really relevant until the end of  child class as up until that point mum and/or dad buy and earn everything. Finding money is hard, you need to do this thing called work, and then you have to spend money, sometimes lots to avoid dying. It is easy to overspend or under earn, either can be fatal.

World

The map is too big, there are too many regions, too many races and too many languages. The processer for this game must be amazing. Which region you are born in or live in can mean the difference between life and death, and the world changes massively in each small area, you can also travel but the travel systems are flawed and slow.

Death

Cacti

So, as I've said before my sister is weird. Weird doesn't even begin to cover it, but until the English language gets a word for "absolutely bat shit insane to the extent I'm scared to be within 50km of her, she scares me. I know she's vegetarian but I'm worried she might eat me" we'll go for weird.

She used to have loads of cacti when she was living with us, she used to choose them making sure they were the ones with the biggest, hardest spikes. I'm not even joking, we went to Homebase to get some paint, she stops at the flower section, finds a nice little orchid and says "that's nice, but it needs more SHARP!" she then went and had a proper look and (to my absolute horror) found a small section of neglected cacti. "Oh, the poor babies, they're almost drowned!" was what she said. In the end she picked out a massive one with spikes that made little stars and affectionately named it Miguel. All of them have names, all of them sound Spanish or Mexican. Anyway, while she was choosing Miguel she passed over several other cacti, including a cute little one that had soft spikes, they kind of armour plated it, I said "Get this one, it couldn't hurt anyone." I begged, I pleaded, she said no.

There was Juan too. This one was the first, it was named on the joke of "How many cacti does Andi have? Juan. Heh... ha." The spikes on the top stick straight up and they're about 5cm long.

The thing is, since Andi has been banished to France (I feel sorry for the poor French people but at least she seems to keep the Germans away) the cacti have become much less dangerous. When she was still here they used to appear, in biscuit tins, on chairs, places where I'd get pricked, now? Well, they stay put, and I'm actually starting to appreciate them since they've stopped hurting me.

I don't think I'll ever love them.. All I'm saying is they're pretty, ish, dangerous mind.