To make matters worse certain rooms of our house have no
heating whatsoever. The hall, the kitchen, the washing room, the stupid waste
of money glass room, and the bathroom. This brings me to the point of the post,
winter showers. Yeah, those things.
Because of how cold it is I have to wait for my need to
shower to outweigh my aversion to showering, I get stinky quickly though, and
when I get too stinky I get nagged. I do like
showering, but not when it’s this cold. I try and shower in the morning before
school, because that way I’m all clean for my day of sleeping during class. So
I get up in the morning, I am in my PJ’s, it’s cold, my feet are cold. I look
for a pair of socks, I grab my dressing gown and I go downstairs. The hall is
cold. I go into the bathroom, it’s cold. I turn on the shower, the water is
cold, but at least it is there and hasn’t frozen in the pipes.
At this point I go into the kitchen and sleepishly look for
breakfast. I like a hot breakfast this time of year so normally it’s cheap
waffles nuked in the microwave and nutella, or cheap cereal and hot milk, or
hot chocolate because Andi says in France that’s a normal thing and I’m okay to
do that. I eat my food and then I linger back to the cold prison known as the
bathroom.
By this point the water is warm. Well, to fucking hot! My
house likes to reinvent the laws of physics on a regular basis, I now have
water that is scalding hot and is like lava. In order to get to the dial to
tweak the temperature I have to shove my arm in lava water. Normally because
I’m trying to get my arm out so quickly I get a blast of liquid ice. It’s
around this point that I wake up. After another five or ten minutes fiddling
with the dial, and undressing I’m ready to get into the shower.
The warm water surrounds me restoring life into my frozen
corpse. (Twilight anyone?) Then I look over to the sink, I forgot to grab my
toothbrush on the way in. Shit. I open the door to the shower and instantly
regret it. I try and stretch because I don’t want to go out all the way into
the cold, I can’t reach. I get out of the shower, I grab the toothbrush, and my
toothpaste and I dive back in. I slip a little, but it’s okay because this time
I didn’t fall. I’m sure one day they’ll find me dead in the shower with a
broken neck or melted from lava water.
Anyway, I brush my teeth, in the shower, in an attempt to
keep warm and save time. Don’t judge me. I then grab my soap, squeeze it onto
the sponge and wash my stinky body. You don’t have to try and visualise this
you pervert, and remember, I’m fat. I get to washing my hair and I realise my
shampoo ran out three days back. Bollocks. So I just use my liquid body soap
and make a quickly forgotten mental note to buy some of that two in one body
soap shampoo stuff when I go to Tesco next.
“George?! You need to
hurry up, you’ve got 30 minutes to get ready.”
Yells my mum as she’s banging on the door. I startle because of the
noise and get soap/shampoo in my eyes/mouth/both. Shit. Shit. Shit. I stumble
and flail around like a distressed helicopter, trying to get my eyes to stop
burning or my mouth to stop tasting soapy. I’ve never thought about how much
time I waste while doing this, but it probably takes another five minutes, then
when it’s all finished I realise how I don’t want to leave the warmth of the
shower.
I look around through the steamed up glass for my dressing
gown. I brought it downstairs because it seemed warmer than just a towel. It’s
on the side of the bath and I can’t reach it without leaving my shower. I make
the most of basking in the warm water, then I turn the shower off. My day is
ruined. I get out and due to the freezing cold air stabs frantically at every
piece of exposed skin and my penis and nipples instantly invert themselves in
self-defence. I’m hurrying to get into my dressing gown before I cacth
pneumonia, and then I open the door.
Yes the bathroom is cold, but my showering has increased the
temperature by a megre 2-3 degrees, now I’m out in the hall and it is so cold.
I have no socks and my feet are freezing on the floor, they’re also not
entirely dry meaning if I run upstairs to my retreat of warmth I might slip. So
I walk as quickly as I can with my two left and wet feet. I get up the stairs
without drying from hypothermia, which is a positive.
I go into my room and close the door behind me to dry off
properly and get dressed. It’s not warm enough to be naked, but it’s not
bitterly cold. I now have to find a cleanish shirt and look on the floor for
which pair of trousers I’m going to wear today. Undies and socks never have
this problem, they’re in a drawer, my mum puts those away for me. Once I’m
dressed I have to look for my shoes and tie, my shoes are somewhere, and my tie
is on holiday. I give my hair another quick towel drying and a brush through to
make it look super sexy, I grab my bag and off we go.
Usually it's so cold outside the water in my hair freezes.
