Shower time

 Winter is here, it’s cold now, winter is always hard and expensive at our house. We’ve not got central heating or gas of any sort meaning we’ve got to use electric radiators. When I was very young we had a fire place and the house was much warmer, but now that’s not safe to use. They said it would explode, or something, but at least the explosion would keep me warm. The electric heaters don’t seem to work either and they all cost a lot of money, which we don’t really have to spend.

To make matters worse certain rooms of our house have no heating whatsoever. The hall, the kitchen, the washing room, the stupid waste of money glass room, and the bathroom. This brings me to the point of the post, winter showers. Yeah, those things.

Because of how cold it is I have to wait for my need to shower to outweigh my aversion to showering, I get stinky quickly though, and when I get too stinky I get nagged. I do like showering, but not when it’s this cold. I try and shower in the morning before school, because that way I’m all clean for my day of sleeping during class. So I get up in the morning, I am in my PJ’s, it’s cold, my feet are cold. I look for a pair of socks, I grab my dressing gown and I go downstairs. The hall is cold. I go into the bathroom, it’s cold. I turn on the shower, the water is cold, but at least it is there and hasn’t frozen in the pipes.

At this point I go into the kitchen and sleepishly look for breakfast. I like a hot breakfast this time of year so normally it’s cheap waffles nuked in the microwave and nutella, or cheap cereal and hot milk, or hot chocolate because Andi says in France that’s a normal thing and I’m okay to do that. I eat my food and then I linger back to the cold prison known as the bathroom.

By this point the water is warm. Well, to fucking hot! My house likes to reinvent the laws of physics on a regular basis, I now have water that is scalding hot and is like lava. In order to get to the dial to tweak the temperature I have to shove my arm in lava water. Normally because I’m trying to get my arm out so quickly I get a blast of liquid ice. It’s around this point that I wake up. After another five or ten minutes fiddling with the dial, and undressing I’m ready to get into the shower.

The warm water surrounds me restoring life into my frozen corpse. (Twilight anyone?) Then I look over to the sink, I forgot to grab my toothbrush on the way in. Shit. I open the door to the shower and instantly regret it. I try and stretch because I don’t want to go out all the way into the cold, I can’t reach. I get out of the shower, I grab the toothbrush, and my toothpaste and I dive back in. I slip a little, but it’s okay because this time I didn’t fall. I’m sure one day they’ll find me dead in the shower with a broken neck or melted from lava water.

Anyway, I brush my teeth, in the shower, in an attempt to keep warm and save time. Don’t judge me. I then grab my soap, squeeze it onto the sponge and wash my stinky body. You don’t have to try and visualise this you pervert, and remember, I’m fat. I get to washing my hair and I realise my shampoo ran out three days back. Bollocks. So I just use my liquid body soap and make a quickly forgotten mental note to buy some of that two in one body soap shampoo stuff when I go to Tesco next.

 “George?! You need to hurry up, you’ve got 30 minutes to get ready.”  Yells my mum as she’s banging on the door. I startle because of the noise and get soap/shampoo in my eyes/mouth/both. Shit. Shit. Shit. I stumble and flail around like a distressed helicopter, trying to get my eyes to stop burning or my mouth to stop tasting soapy. I’ve never thought about how much time I waste while doing this, but it probably takes another five minutes, then when it’s all finished I realise how I don’t want to leave the warmth of the shower.

I look around through the steamed up glass for my dressing gown. I brought it downstairs because it seemed warmer than just a towel. It’s on the side of the bath and I can’t reach it without leaving my shower. I make the most of basking in the warm water, then I turn the shower off. My day is ruined. I get out and due to the freezing cold air stabs frantically at every piece of exposed skin and my penis and nipples instantly invert themselves in self-defence. I’m hurrying to get into my dressing gown before I cacth pneumonia, and then I open the door.

Yes the bathroom is cold, but my showering has increased the temperature by a megre 2-3 degrees, now I’m out in the hall and it is so cold. I have no socks and my feet are freezing on the floor, they’re also not entirely dry meaning if I run upstairs to my retreat of warmth I might slip. So I walk as quickly as I can with my two left and wet feet. I get up the stairs without drying from hypothermia, which is a positive.

I go into my room and close the door behind me to dry off properly and get dressed. It’s not warm enough to be naked, but it’s not bitterly cold. I now have to find a cleanish shirt and look on the floor for which pair of trousers I’m going to wear today. Undies and socks never have this problem, they’re in a drawer, my mum puts those away for me. Once I’m dressed I have to look for my shoes and tie, my shoes are somewhere, and my tie is on holiday. I give my hair another quick towel drying and a brush through to make it look super sexy, I grab my bag and off we go.

Usually it's so cold outside the water in my hair freezes.

Game Review (in progress) - Real Life

This is a work in progress, I have the dreaded writers block.

Release Date: Unknown
Price: Unknown, but very expensive.
Age Rating: All (0+)
Developer: Unknown.
Programmers: Unknown, however some people use the name God, and others use names such as Allah, and Zeus.

Graphics - 10/10
Sound - 10/10
Game play - 2/10
Story - 1/10

Background: This is a massive MMORPG style game that has literally taken over the world. I have been playing for years and I seem to be addicted as I just can't stop. You play as one character, and interact with literately everyone and everything, it's a very slow paced game, with many rules but few limits, most things are possible, but equally one mistake can block most storylines.

Character selection: This is a failure, it's a major flaw of the game as you're dependant on another player or two, bringing you into the world and you don't get to choose when or where. You're assigned a random race, based on the players who made you, and you come into the world at a random time, in a random place. All your attributes and personality are pre-decided as is your appearance. Changing your character appearance and attributes is hard later one, appearance can be changed slightly. Personality is shaped at birth and moulded by other players, attributes are similar however some are capped.

Now dying here can be quite easy, this is when you're in what's called the infant class which I will fully explain later. You are fragile and stupid, however there are perks as this woman who cares for you may show your her breasts frequently when you cry, she will also almost obsivelly get you naked. You' can't do anything for yourself, but you grow into a small child and gradually become independent. Sometimes there is a man who either helps, or solely cares for you, this is called 'dad' the woman one is called 'mum' they teach you everything for the first four years. Toilet skills, talking, walking, simple tasks really but you're born to stupid to know this. Again a major flaw.

School

The story is long, and due to the lack of interface is it easy to miss vast chunks, and when you are born it is down to mum and/or dad to explain the back story to you, however they may choose not to. This is where school starts to come in, but this also depends on region and can depend on gender in certain areas, and the things they teach vary widely in other countries. The rest of your life will depend on this section which really seems to drag on, you enter in the child class and leave when you are in the teenage class.

Currency

The currency system is highly flawed, there are many currencies depending on your region, and in one area called Europe they tired a single currency and it didn't work either. Money isn't really relevant until the end of  child class as up until that point mum and/or dad buy and earn everything. Finding money is hard, you need to do this thing called work, and then you have to spend money, sometimes lots to avoid dying. It is easy to overspend or under earn, either can be fatal.

World

The map is too big, there are too many regions, too many races and too many languages. The processer for this game must be amazing. Which region you are born in or live in can mean the difference between life and death, and the world changes massively in each small area, you can also travel but the travel systems are flawed and slow.

Death

Why I can't have nice things.

No, really, I can't. 

This is the result of the day out in Paris, it is 130 Euros worth of shopping. First we went to a bookshop, and then walked over to Forum Des Halles and did some other shopping. Andi and Sandy got 107.10 and I had 22.90. As I've already said, this is why I can't have nice things, it really is because she spends all the money. She had near enough 70 Euros worth of baby clothing from Gap, it was meant to be 90, but there was a deal on for 20 Euros off. Then she got a book for Sandy, and some wool, and then some earrings for her and my mother. This baby thing is costing a fortune and all it does is scream and bite me.

We had waffles and a drink in McDonald's too though, which was kind of nice, I like waffles.

Now it is a crime to rhyme.

English books are hard to find in Paris, Andi found a Parisian guide book in our apartment, and it listed the book shop Shakespeare & Company at 37 rue de la Bucherie, very near Notre Dame, so, apparently we had to go. She spent ages there, having a real look around and then couldn't decide if she wanted to spend around 10 Euros on herself or nearly 20 on her son. I really want a computer with the EUR symbol. In the end she choose a Dr. Seuss compilation of five stories, then an hour after my idiot mother says we had the hard back version of the same book in the UK. Why didn't she say this at the time? Andi could have got a book for herself and waited for the next time we visit.
The book shop was amazing though, there were some second hand books outside, which was nice to see, then upstairs there was a library, and some children's books, and downstairs was very crowded, it was hard to move, but it was amazing to see so many books. One, which I found upstairs in the library, was interesting. It was called "Tales of the Frontiers" (or something similar) and was about the views of a British man travelling through the British Empire. Unfortunately I didn't get to read very much of it, because not long after I started reading it, it was time to leave.

What is the attraction of this? Why do you treat it as a drug?

 She then made us walk, all the way from Notre Dame, and we didn't even get to see inside because there were too many other tourists, but that wasn't really important because I've already seen it, multiple times. We had to walk to the Forum Des Halles and it took a while but it was nice to walk around for a bit, sadly on the way there she found Gap, and my mum found Hema. Hema is basically Woolworths and my mum went in there for wool, Gap is full of cute baby clothes and my sister is obsessed with those. So there went 70 Euros. Crap. I'll admit though, the things from Gap are very cute.
 Ad then after all of this? She went and spent more money on earrings.

Cute, but expensive.

The Gap receipt measures 1.7 metres.

Thanks Andi, thanks.

My nice things

I guess at least I got a pen, which looks like a pencil, just to confuse people, and some boxers. I took a photo of these too, and no, you cannot see me in them, you pervert. I'm 14.

Mine have smaller numbers.

Dear Penis

Dear Penis,

Do you mind if I call you Dick? How are things going down there? I guess I'm stalling, how do I even write this letter? It's really hard. Thanks for not bleeding every month, that really helps. So does the ability to piss standing up, that's very practical and saves me a lot of time and hassle. However when I piss, I don't want to put you away and find out you've carried on without me and shaking is really annoying. Sometimes you really get in the way!

And your neighbour, Mr Scrotum, what's going on with you two? Why is it you've recently started thinking for yourselves? Are you collaborating against me? I know Mr Scrotum looks like a hairy brain, but that's no excuse, I would rather think with my head than with my penis, so please will you pair remember this. Maths is not the time I want you to wake up, neither is church.I know the number eight is the kind of the same shape as breasts, but really, it isn't.

If you keep popping up without warning and at awkward times, I will not get a girlfriend! Then you won't even be any use to me! So stop it! If you want to go to work, you need to behave while I use my words to coax them into getting their clothes off. Otherwise, how will you get into the vagina? Do you fire lasers to get through clothing or something? No, so stop it! When you hit my in the face like that it really hurts and I swear the girls hate it too!

And why is it when it gets cold in the winter you become inverted? How is that any use?

Vaginae can really take a beating, those things can handle so much pain, but you get a small tap and because you're overly sensitive I can't move for hours on end. Can't you toughen up a bit?

Sincerely, George.

Introduction

Hello, hallo, salut, hola, salve, fuck I'm out of languages.

So, welcome to my blog. My name is George, I'm 14 and I live in a desolate small town in south England that I have a strong hated for. I like a few weird things, my sister is some kind of crazy earth child, tree fucking hippie, in the body of a stretch marked, anorexic goth. Or as she says, a vegetarian called Andi, anyway, her crazy environmentalism has had a pretty big impact on my life and way of thinking, and she very into natural parenting and lifestyle, I find it really cool and would like to do the same kind of things. I also like video games way too much and I'm addicted to my Nintendo 3DS. I would play more retro GBA games, but Andi won't let me near them. I like reading factual books, but have a hard time getting into fiction. Oh, and I love scenery, real scenery and history.

I hate maths and stupid people, and crying babies, my sister's baby seems to do this a lot.

So that's the first post for my blog, I'm not really sure what's coming, I'm not sure if anyone will read it, and I have no idea what I will write about, but I guess I should try and keep it up. I've got some organic apples coming into harvest so I think they'll possibly be my next post, I'm also trying to learn cooking so might write about that if I don't burn myself to death first. Maybe I'll do book reviews and things too, who knows?

So here's a picture of me that Andi took when we went to Scotland.