Dear Puberty

Okay, so puberty, for a start,may I ask why I, of all people, have breasts? Seriously, I know a lot of people do, but the majority of them are women. Which in case you somehow haven't noticed, I am not. All they do is add insult to injury; I know I'm fat, but you don't need to show it off. Especially not by giving me oversized man-tits, damnit.

And why is my voice not gruff and deep and sexy like it's supposed to be? All it seems to do is squeak when I don't want and especially don't need it to - which makes me sound like a mouse on helium, or sometimes a drunken squirrel. Which isn't exactly helpful, as I really could do without being all squeaky when doing a presentation in front of the entire class, or chatting up the women, for example.

What did I ever do to you, anyway? Do you have some bizarre grudge against humanity? Or is it just men? Is it fat people you don't like? And another thing, why do you make people - such as myself - grow hair in strange places, like, well, you know where. What is the actual point of that? It does nothing but get in the way! And it obscures my penis. Every time I need a piss, I spend at least a minute searching for my penis in a massive tuft of hair. I think I'm turning into a wolf and it gets worse when the moon is full.

Turning into a squeaky, fat hairball is the least I need right now, alright? As in, my uselessness does not need to embody itself in the form of man boobs! I don't need a squeaking voice, and I don't want any of this bullshit. It's irritating to say the least that I have to put up with this from you, puberty.

When I was just a little boy, or girl if my sister had her way, I was clean shaven, my skin was soft and hair free. Now my arms are coated in a thick layer of fur, and my legs rival a bears. I don't want to shave them because that's just weird, but I'm starting to consider it as a viable option.

Puberty, are you a woman? I'm really suspicious here.

Sincerely, a pissed-off George.

Dear Penis

Dear Penis,

Do you mind if I call you Dick? How are things going down there? I guess I'm stalling, how do I even write this letter? It's really hard. Thanks for not bleeding every month, that really helps. So does the ability to piss standing up, that's very practical and saves me a lot of time and hassle. However when I piss, I don't want to put you away and find out you've carried on without me and shaking is really annoying. Sometimes you really get in the way!

And your neighbour, Mr Scrotum, what's going on with you two? Why is it you've recently started thinking for yourselves? Are you collaborating against me? I know Mr Scrotum looks like a hairy brain, but that's no excuse, I would rather think with my head than with my penis, so please will you pair remember this. Maths is not the time I want you to wake up, neither is church.I know the number eight is the kind of the same shape as breasts, but really, it isn't.

If you keep popping up without warning and at awkward times, I will not get a girlfriend! Then you won't even be any use to me! So stop it! If you want to go to work, you need to behave while I use my words to coax them into getting their clothes off. Otherwise, how will you get into the vagina? Do you fire lasers to get through clothing or something? No, so stop it! When you hit my in the face like that it really hurts and I swear the girls hate it too!

And why is it when it gets cold in the winter you become inverted? How is that any use?

Vaginae can really take a beating, those things can handle so much pain, but you get a small tap and because you're overly sensitive I can't move for hours on end. Can't you toughen up a bit?

Sincerely, George.