Dear Penis

Dear Penis,

Do you mind if I call you Dick? How are things going down there? I guess I'm stalling, how do I even write this letter? It's really hard. Thanks for not bleeding every month, that really helps. So does the ability to piss standing up, that's very practical and saves me a lot of time and hassle. However when I piss, I don't want to put you away and find out you've carried on without me and shaking is really annoying. Sometimes you really get in the way!

And your neighbour, Mr Scrotum, what's going on with you two? Why is it you've recently started thinking for yourselves? Are you collaborating against me? I know Mr Scrotum looks like a hairy brain, but that's no excuse, I would rather think with my head than with my penis, so please will you pair remember this. Maths is not the time I want you to wake up, neither is church.I know the number eight is the kind of the same shape as breasts, but really, it isn't.

If you keep popping up without warning and at awkward times, I will not get a girlfriend! Then you won't even be any use to me! So stop it! If you want to go to work, you need to behave while I use my words to coax them into getting their clothes off. Otherwise, how will you get into the vagina? Do you fire lasers to get through clothing or something? No, so stop it! When you hit my in the face like that it really hurts and I swear the girls hate it too!

And why is it when it gets cold in the winter you become inverted? How is that any use?

Vaginae can really take a beating, those things can handle so much pain, but you get a small tap and because you're overly sensitive I can't move for hours on end. Can't you toughen up a bit?

Sincerely, George.